7. Noticing Our Bad Explanations

Our explanations for why things happen and how can always be improved. Our understanding of the world and ourselves is growing. Some explanations need more work than others though. Those bad explanations hiding behind a wall of false assumptions or camouflaged by a mist of vagueness require a detective searching for the truth. A bad explanation accounts for the same event even when changed. “Why did Susie hit you,” asked Sam's dad. “Because she is bad,” Sam said. Now we know that it is more likely that Sam and Susie, his sister, had a fight or a disagreement that escalated than Susie being purely bad. Sam's dad then asks, “If Susie is so bad why did she bring you cake from school?” Sam thought a little and replied, “Because she's pretending to be good so she won't get in trouble.”

Most parents in this situation will respond by dismissing Sam's explanation as incorrect and attempt to replace it with another explanation such as “Susie is your sister and she loves you. You must love her too.” Every parent wants their kids to get along and love each other. We too, like Sam, have bad explanations in our heads. We also try to replace them but with more bad explanations because we believe we should. What would happen if we noticed our bad explanations and pointed them out? What if Sam's dad had explained to him that a person can choose to be good or bad every moment, and how he speaks about his sister also determines whether he is good or bad? What if Sam's dad asked him to try another way of explaining why she hit him? All Sam's dad can do, just like us, is ask questions, but first, we need parents who take our explanations seriously no matter how silly they seem.